Being A Mom

 

Motherhood

From childhood I dreamt of one day becoming a mother. I gleamed at the thought of carrying a baby in my stomach and giving it all the love I possess.
I grew up in a large family (9 children) and with my desire to have kids and give my time and love to them I decided I wanted a large family. Lots of babies.

My husband did not want a large family. Less is better, he felt.

He came from a family of 8 children and he and I had two opposing views of large families.

He was great with children even when I first met him! And he wanted to be a father. However, he felt that if you have a lot of children some of their needs and their safety sadly get missed. He felt that having less children and devoting our time and attention on every aspect of raising those few successfully would result in healthy and grateful human beings.

As you can understand, when I was pushing out baby #1 my desire to have a large family evaporated! Poof! Never again did I wish for that.

My first delivery was rough. My large child was stuck when it was time to push him out.

In the end the midwife was able to deliver him without a C-section. But the emotional scar would stay with me.

After I became a mother I found that I was always emotional about motherhood. I would easily tear up when talking about my child or being a mom. It seemed like I was always on the verge of crying!

I had two boys then we tried for a girl. I almost had to convince my husband to try for a third because he was worried we were having too many children.
We both wanted a daughter. When we entered the office for the ultrasound at 13 weeks I was terrified the dr. was going to say we were having a third boy!

I’ve seen those families who have six children, all of the same gender. Each time they got pregnant hoping to have the opposite gender for once. Crossing my fingers. Praying! That we would not end up being one of those families.

When I married my husband I had a hope chest. It contained some dishes for our kitchen and some other items. Including a dress for my future daughter and some girl toys too! So, yes, I had an expectation. One girl! Please, atleast one?

The dr. said “It looks like it’s a girl.” I responded “It looks like? Or, it IS?!”

I had to make sure that she was sure! I was scared to believe it for even a moment and then have my happiness shattered.

Baby #3 was a girl!

I had imagined what my daughter would be like. She would like Disney Princesses, atleast some of them. She would like baby dolls and real babies too. She would probably be very different from me because children are not usually just like their parents. So I expected she would not: 1) be a Tom Boy 2) be boy crazy 3) be artsy and crafty 4) have many talents

Yet, she turned out to be just like me! She was just like me except, she looked just like her dad. Beautiful dirty blonde hair and blue eyes.

I am still surprised to this day, as she is about to turn 8 years old, that she does not like princesses or baby dolls. I thought that if I gave her those movies and toys she would learn to love them. I was wrong.

She doesn’t like real babies either. She never has and maybe she never will?

She connects better with animals.

Animals and insects!

I absolutely love my children. Three is the magic number for Sterling and I.

It’s not always fun. It’s not always easy. And that is what writing is for. Writing my experiences and my struggles is what has gotten me through the early years of parenting. And now I enjoy looking back. Now that our struggles have gone from toddler tantrums and learning to express their emotions to learning to be organized and being responsible with their school work.

When my middle child was a toddler I was miserable. Every time he told me that I was wrong and he was right. Every time that he hated me because I did one thing he didn’t like and it ruined his entire day. Every time he would yell and cry and then deny that he was doing either of those things.

But I tell you what...I recently saw a video of him acting that way and it was the cutest thing! Now that it’s no longer a current problem it is a cute memory.

My children are currently 13, 11 and 7. I see the teen year trials approaching. They have started a little but we have not hit most of them yet.

My husband and I are on the same page when it comes to children that grow up; they need to learn to live independently so they can move out and be successful on their own.

They need opportunities to make their own choices. We teach them what we consider is right and then we let them make their own decisions. We know we cannot control them. We’ve seen parents try to force their little humans to be just like them. To live just like them. To serve God just like them.

But this life isn’t about cloning ourselves. It’s about loving and raising individuals to find what makes them truly happy in this life and in the next.

If you force your ways upon children they will secretly live their own way. Then they will move out and live it openly.

Happiness is such an important part of one’s health and success in life. And I just want my children to truly be happy. That is my wish as their mother.